MY state of mind
Sunday, November 25th, 2007Its now 5:33 a.m that i am typing this blog. I juz got back, from a long drive, well, not too long a drive but at a distance. Have been spending the whole night and the wee hours of morning doing nothing but talking to a special friend who i opened up so much that i realised , JUST realised what i have been doing all this while. I have been thinking the same thoughts but never actually studied what is based on the thoughts. Of how much i have been through all this while and it made me dig for the pieces for my puzzle. Only then i started to see where all this is coming from ; that all this time, it was worthwhile being where i was, did what i did and why i still put that little ray of hope.
The real cause of that ray was cos i understood too much, cared extremely , loved unselfishly, gave generously and therefore, i hoped tremendously. At the times where i felt like it was the final hours, i wanted something so badly and when i couldn’t have it , i cut myself deeper , therefore , i hurt myself. I have more in life to live, more in life to give, if rejection occurs, so what? I shud tell myself, it’s okay, get up on my feet, brush that dirt off my knees and walk on by like as if nothing happened, even tho it bruises. One day, that blackish-blue mark will fade and turn pinky again.
The conversation i had was really breath-taking and mind opening. People think i haved changed alot, as a matter of fact, yes , i have and no i haven’t. Physically, i still look the same, though i have got some marks on me that bears meanings. Some people take it as a no-no-bad girl and some people take it positively. Inside, I’m still that same-ol-Mel , i haven’t disappeared, i have gone around the circles in certain phases of life, but it turns back to the same path. I believed that i have grown to be more sustaintial in a way where by i try best to sustain all mistakes, never to re-live them again, learn from the bad to become better, and from better, to become the best. I keep track of people and study them, in fear of meeting the wrong ones, the pick the bad apples out of the basket of good ones.
Ah, Mistakes…everyone makes them. Some intentional, some unintentional. Usually, the intentional ones are created by those who hold revenge and grudges, and unintentional ones , mostly, AND unfortunately falls into the category of ur loved ones. Surely, nobody would want to hurt their loved ones am i right? It may probably be based on misunderstandings , i would assume. Moreover, misunderstandings are crucial…i do not especially like to be involved in them,nobody does. I suppose, if mistakes are afflicted by misunderstandings, it shud oni be fair that one gives the other AT LEAST a chance to explain the 5W’s and 1H of why it occured. Because, i believe everybody deserves a second chance…even if it stands in the way. It balances the scales, perhaps.
The other thing, doesnt this phrase sound utmostly familiar ; "I heard this from bla bla bal……that bla bla bla….." GOSSIPS….gee, like u can even believe all thos stuff…when rumours spread from one mouth to another, it carries germs, in terms of multiplication…in another saying, the word changes. One says this, the other says that and it all turns out mutated into something totally and way out of the picture. Listening to the other that has got that direct connection with you, don’t listen to what others say. Listen to ur heart, surprisingly, gut feelings are accurate most of the time.
I can almost see the sun-rise from my room now…its almost 6something already…i just can’t sleep because i feel appreciation and appreciated. Appreciation, try to flash back the things people have done to make u feel appreciated and loved. Drop the egoism, the selfish mentality , only then u will be able to accept changes and come to a state of reality that makes u go - " So, all this is for me? Im loved THAT abundantly?!"
Freedom….its always YouRs , and only yours. Yours to keep, Yours to share. When isit most likely of you to find freedom? As in body and mind and the soul perhaps? I know how , and i am gonna share this life changing secret with you. Happiness is the key to having freedom. An individual will find peace and freedom only when happiness applies, for eg ; When a being is happy, he/she is free to do whatsoeva and whatsoeva he/she does is based on that freedom of mind, body and soul, he/she will feel contented. To you, who shared ur thoughts with me to create a stronger Mel, i thank you alot. At this very moment, the sky is brightly lit already~ its a beautiful sight, a new day has come and a more confident Mel is born and no, i am not dying if you think why am i so insane to type all this. ( Cos usually near death people say weird stuff b4 they leave the world) HAHA! CHOY!
One day, I’ll be able to walk that path of rocky stones, climb the steep mountains and swim thru the depths of the oceans and soar with the wind in the skies above me, because i know I’m worth it, i value myself, i have the capability to achieve and i deserve the unimaginable. Keeping on dreaming and waiting takes me no where, i nid to prove my ability, that I am "THE MELISSA" - self boost - I can do what I Dare to do and i Will Do IT!
And even if i fall , i am not ashamed to say I DARE TO LOOSE but At least i Tried~ even tho i drained my efforts. At heart, tell yourself that you’re a Winner for the other has lost an oppurtunity, one that they do not know how to appreciate. ( This doesn’t apply in sports and games, tho, coz when u LOOSE, oh yeah, u LOOSE..) So, i have no fear of rejection…i am immune to it already~ It has only created more antibodies to protect myself against it~ HISTORY is GONE, I want to create a FUTURE~
Anyways, good morning to all and good night to me….im resigning to bed now…Adios amigos~
